XMAS

If you forget to buy the kids a present:

SANTA CLAUS MUST HAVE GOT LOST LAST NIGHT! (A smart kid will reply: 'Lost? No he wasn't. He spent the entire day at the pub, blew his wages at the bookie's, and then came here and spent the entire evening screwing mum.')

Plead ignorance

XMAS ... YOU MUST BE KIDDING?

(As a final ploy, immediately convert to Islam and insist that Xmas is Western propaganda. Hijack a plane to further convince them.)

IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE ALL MY RELATIVES AGAIN.

X-RATED SEX SHOPS

I'LL HAVE A PACKET OF EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS, PLEASE. (You wish.)

COULD YOU CHANGE A £50 NOTE INTO £1 COINS? IT'S FOR THE CIGARETTE MACHINE. (There's no need to lie — the bloke knows you're going straight into the gripper's booth.)

GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE BLOW-UP DOLLS, PLEASE. IT'S FOR MY MATE. (Sure.)

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