WAR

These lies are to be used by the leader of the country when wishing to invade a neighbour:

WE NEED MORE LIVING SPACE.

THEY WONT GIVE US OUR BALL BACK!

THEY STARTED IT.

OURS IS THE ONLY REAL GOD.

WORK EXCUSES

When you're late for work

SORRY I'M LATE - MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS JUST INCINERATED IN A HOUSE FIRE! (Wait for at least six months before trying this one again. If people are suspicious, hold a mock funeral, take photos and stick them on the office noticeboard. Send yourself sympathy cards. If no one still believes you buy an urn. Put a label on the side reading 'Family Members', then empty all ashtrays you can find into it. Be sure to remove the cigarette butts.)

THE TRAFFIC WAS BUMPER TO BUMPER. (Not too effective if you catch the train.)

THERE WAS A DERAILMENT. (Make sure you don't drive to work.)

MY PENIS GOT CAUGHT IN MY FLY AND IT TOOK ME THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR TO DELICATELY CUT MY TROUSERS OFF MYSELF, THEN ANOTHER HALF-HOUR ROLLING AROUND THE BED SCREAMING, THEN ANOTHER 40 MINUTES TO GET THE COURAGE TO PUT ANOTHER PAIR OF TROUSERS ON AND DO UP THE FLY. (Only works for guys, or girls who have injected steroids into their clitoris.)

SORRY, I SLEPT IN. (Your wife's bed when you left for work.)

SORRY, MY GRANDMOTHER DIED THIS MORNING. (Note: This only works twice. Ditto with grandfather.)

I SHIT MYSELF ON THE WAY TO WORK. (Because I was running so late.)

When you won't be in, get someone to ring in for you

RASH WONT BE IN TODAY - I THINK HE'S DEAD.

RASH WONT BE IN TODAY - HE'S GOT DIARRHOEA. (Verbal.)

RASH IS THAT SICK HE CANT GET TO THE PHONE. (Don't ring on a mobile.)

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