VALENTINE'S DAY

Send yourself a least a dozen cards to your work and home with explicit sexual dialogue. Do not do this if you're married or unbelievably ugly.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T BUY YOU FLOWERS BUT THEY WERE ALL OUT OF LONG-STEMMED ROSES. OTHER FLOWERS WOULDN'T DO JUSTICE TO YOUR EXCEPTIONAL BEAUTY.

DIDN'T YOU RECEIVE YOUR BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TODAY? THAT ROTTEN FLORIST. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THAT'S THREE YEARS IN A ROW THEY'VE STUFFED UP.

I PURPOSELY DIDN'T SEND YOU A CARD THIS TIME AS I'M AGAINST WOODCHIPPING. (Don't tell them this in front of an open fire, or reading the daily paper, or in a log cabin.)

YOUR CARD MUST HAVE GOT LOST IN THE POST. (Yeah, I lost it before I could post it.)

VANDALISING

HOW THE HELL DID THAT CAN OF SPRAY PAINT GET IN MY HAND?

I THOUGHT THEY WANTED PAINTINGS ON THE SIDES OF THEIR TRAINS AND ON THE INSIDES AND THE SEATS. (Talk in a French accent.)

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE, OFFICER. THE BRICK JUST SLIPPED OUT OF MY HAND, WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE JEWELLER'S WINDOW AND ALL THE RINGS AND WATCHES FELL OUT. I WAS TRYING TO PUT THEM BACK IN. THAT'S HOW I CUT MY HANDS. (Use this as a last resort.)

OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY CAR I WAS SCRAPING THE 20-PENCE PIECE DOWN THE SIDE OF. (Not your police car.)

I DIDN'T BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL (Be sure not to be toasting marshmallows, laughing.)

SIR, I SAW THE PERSON WHO STARTED THE FIRE. THEY RAN OVER THERE. (Note: If they ask for a description, don't describe yourself. Describe the police officer hassling you and then make a citizen's arrest.)

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