TAXMAN

I ONLY MADE £200 LAST YEAR. (We believe you, Mr Bond.)

DID I SAY 200? SORRY, I MEANT 2,000,000.

YES, I HAVE 14 CHILDREN TO SUPPORT. (Just go down to your local school, round up a dozen or two and take them with you.)

TEACHER

I WASN'T TALKING. I WAS MIMING THE ANSWER AND DIDN'T WANT TO UPSTAGE THE REST OF THE CLASS AS I KNOW THEY'RE NOT AS ADVANCED AS MYSELF.

I COULDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE IT HOME YESTERDAY. I GOT LOST.

I COULDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK BECAUSE I WAS HELPING UNDERPRIVILEGED HANDICAPPED CHILDREN ALL AFTERNOON AND NIGHT. (Spit all over your shirt and say that's where they were dribbling on you.)

I DID MY HOMEWORK, BUT THE DOG CHEWED IT UP ON

THE WAY TO SCHOOL. (Shove a piece of paper in your mouth and chew it into a sopping, gluggy ball. It's a good idea to try and give it to the teacher and watch them freak out.)

I DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK BECAUSE I'M HAVING PERSONAL PROBLEMS. (Yeah, I personally hate doing it.)

I DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK BECAUSE MY TUTOR NEVER ARRIVED. (Yeah, because I don't have one.)

I TRIED FOR HOURS TO DO MY HOMEWORK BUT IT WAS JUST TOO DIFFICULT. (Works well if you can start crying. Then you can excuse yourself from the classroom and get a free period. This will also give you an excuse for the next day's homework because you won't know what to do.)

I DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK BECAUSE I'M HOMELESS.

YOU WANT TO SEE MY HOMEWORK, MY PARENTS WANT TO SEE MY SCHOOL. I'M SO CONFUSED.

NO, I'M NOT CHEWING GUM. I'M GRINDING MY TEETH.

NO, WE WEREN'T FIGHTING. WE WERE JUST GETTING THE DUST OFF EACH OTHER'S FACES WITH OUR KNUCKLES.

THAT'S NOT BLOOD. IT'S THE TOMATO SAUCE FROM MY HOT-DOG. (This helps if you've actually got a hot-dog. Doesn't work at all if you have a knife in your hand or in your back.)

I'M FEELING SICK. I THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO GO HOME. (Place the contents of a can of Heinz vegetable soup on the floor and pretend to throw up. It's a good idea beforehand to place a pair of old socks under your armpits. If the spew isn't enough, the smell will get them. This can get you up to a week off school.)

Eat a can of baked beans before class. Fart as loudly as you can in class and then say, 'Oh, no, I've just shit myself - walk off with a wobbly bum effect. Use this all day in every period.

Leave a message on the teacher's desk saying that there's a bomb in the school - good for one whole day. (PS: Don't sign the note.)

Meeting in later life

WITHOUT YOUR TEACHING SKILLS I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM TODAY. (Terminally unemployed and illiterate.)

TERRORISM

I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE. (If the gunman doubts you, start acting childish.)

I'M TOO OLD TO LIVE. (Act as if death would be an enjoyable experience. Place the gun against your temple. This will take the fun out of it and they will move on to someone else.)

I'M TOO OLD TO DIE. (If a terrorist asks what you mean by this, shrug and smile sheepishly.)

TOOTH FAIRY

THE TOOTH FAIRY COULDN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT AS SHE HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT.

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