SALESMEN

To be a good salesman you must be a blatant liar, obey the Ten Commandments (as stated in the front of this book) and be a chameleon - depending on the situation. Here are a few beauties.

YEAH, THEY ALWAYS DO THAT, THAT'S STANDARD.

THAT MARK WILL COME OFF.

IT ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE THAT.

THE BOAT IS RUNNING LATE.

THEY ARE STUCK IN CUSTOMS.

IT MUST BE LOST IN THE POST!

THE SHIPMENT WAS STOLEN.

THE CONTAINER FELL OFF THE BOAT.

THEY ARE STILL STUCK IN CUSTOMS.

THEY SENT IT TO OUR OTHER OFFICE, THE DUMMIES.

IT'LL BE THERE TOMORROW.

YOU SHOULD GET IT TODAY.

I PUT IT ON THE TRUCK MYSELF.

YEAH, 100 PER CENT GUARANTEE.

NO PROBLEM, GOOD AS GOLD.

FUNNY, YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE TO COMPLAIN.

I'VE GOT ONE MYSELF, THEY ARE GREAT.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOT THE SAME ONE, SHE LOVES IT.

MY OLD MAN'S HAD ONE FOR YEARS, SWEARS BY IT.

THAT LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.

NO, THEY DON'T RUST, BUCKLE, BEND OR BUST.

YES, VERY EASY TO HOUSE-TRAIN. 126

IT'S A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD, REALLY.

IT'S JUST LIKE A NEW ONE.

IT'S A BARGAIN.

NO, MADAM/SIR, THIS IS STATE-OF-THE-ART STUFF.

YES, THAT IS THE DISCOUNT PRICE.

THAT IS YOU!

SARCASM

IF YOU EVER HAVE A NOSE JOB THEY COULD BUILD ANOTHER PERSON WITH WHAT THEY TAKE OFF.

YOUR PENIS IS SO SMALL YOU COULD ALWAYS USE YOUR NOSE INSTEAD.

IF YOU WRAP SILVER FOIL AROUND YOUR EARS, YOU'D BE SOLAR POWERED.

GEE, I LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT .. . DID YOU DO IT YOURSELF?

GEE, I LIKE YOUR NEW HAIRCUT ... WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC AGAIN?

THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT. WHERE DID YOU GET IT? (Market stall.)

WOW, I LIKE YOUR CAR. (Is it registered?)

MMM ... THIS DINNER TASTES GREAT. (Did you boil these hamburgers yourself?)

BOY, I LOVE THAT NEW FRENCH PERFUME YOU'RE WEARING.(Or have you shit yourself?)

NICE HAT. (I think brown paper really suits you.)

LOVE YOUR ACCENT. (Works well on Aussies.)

GEE, HAVE YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT? (It looks like it because I can get around you now.)

GEE, I WISH I HAD YOUR LOOKS. (So I had a decent reason to kill myself.)

CAN YOU BREATHE ON ME A LITTLE HARDER? (Because I love the smell of garlic.)

GEE, YOU'VE GOT A GREAT SMILE. (Too bad we can see your teeth.)

I NEVER NOTICED YOU HAD SIX-INCH-THICK HAIR ON YOUR BACK. IT FEELS GREAT. (To an ape.)

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC IN THE NUDE. (When the light's off.)

I THINK BALD MEN ARE REALLY SEXY. (Except when they've got hair growing out of their ears. But don't worry, they match the ones coming out of your nose.)

I'M SO ENVIOUS OF YOUR JOB. (Because if I had it that would give me a good reason to go on the dole.)

DID YOU GET A PROFESSIONAL MAKE-UP ARTIST TO PUT YOUR MAKE-UP ON? (Yes, Bozo the clown.)

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT. (Thank God it's dark.)

Presents

JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED. (A toilet brush with my initials on it.)

IT'S GREAT. I LOVE IT. (What is it?)

SEX

I'M CELIBATE. (Biggest joke of the year.)

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BIG IT IS, IT'S HOW YOU USE IT. (If you use this one everyone will know you are not well endowed.)

I'M NOT VERY EXPERIENCED AT THIS.

COULD YOU TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE LOVE? (Concentrate. You'll only have three seconds to learn in.)

DON'T - OH, STOP IT. (As they're undressing themselves.)

YOU'RE THE BEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD. (Did I tell you I was a virgin?)

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. (Not to be used by prostitutes.)

SHOPLIFTING

HOW THE HELL DID ALL THOSE GROCERIES GET INTO MY BAG? (Don't say this if you're still putting them in.)

I JUST WANT TO SEE IT IN THE SUNLIGHT. (Make sure it's not raining or night time.)

I BROUGHT THIS REFRIGERATOR WITH ME.

I WAS EATING THE BISCUITS TO MAKE SURE THEY WEREN'T STALE.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE SAMPLES.

I FORGOT I HAD THE TELEVISION UNDER MY ARM.

I'M GOING TO PAY FOR IT. (Yeah, in about three years.)

DON'T WORRY - I OWN THE STORE. (Don't say this to the owner.)

SORRY, I WAS JUST HELPING YOU GET RID OF SOME OF THIS OLD STOCK. (Don't use this in an antique shop.)

SOCIAL SECURITY

NO, I HAVEN'T GOT ANOTHER JOB. (Don't go with your McDonald's outfit on and especially don't ask them if they want fries with that.)

YES, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR WORK. (Yeah, some way of working out how to stay on the dole.)

I'M IN BETWEEN JOBS. (In fact, since I was born.)

I need a counter cheque today because:

I'M STARVING TO DEATH. (Don't use this while talking with your mouth full or if you're obviously overweight or holding a full shopping bag.)

I'M SICK AND NEED THE MONEY. (Yeah, I'm sick of having no money.)

I'M GOING ON A ROUND-THE-WORLD TRIP TOMORROW AND I NEED SOME SPENDING MONEY.

I'VE RUN OUT OF DRUGS. (For my asthma, that is. Bad time to bring up your heroin addiction.)

I'VE GOT NO ELECTRICITY OR RUNNING WATER.

SPEEDING

Reasons for speeding

SORRY, OFFICER, I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CHASED BY THE POLICE.

SORRY I'M SPEEDING, OFFICER, BUT I WAS JUST INVOLVED IN A REALLY BAD HIT AND RUN, I'M REALLY PISSED, THE CAR'S UNREGISTERED AND UNROADWORTHY AND I DON'T HAVE A LICENCE, SO I THOUGHT THE QUICKER I'M OFF THE ROAD THE BETTER.

I WAS ON MY WAY TO HOSPITAL (Because if I keep driving like this it's only a matter of time before I have an accident.)

MY ACCELERATOR GOT STUCK. (But luckily it unjammed when I saw three police cars trying to pull me over.)

MY BRAKES FAILED! LUCKILY I SMASHED INTO YOUR CAR, OFFICER, OR I MIGHT HAVE NEVER STOPPED AT ALL (By the way, how long do you think it will be before the 'jaws of life' cut the other officer out of your car?)

Speeding through a tunnel

SORRY, OFFICER, I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC AND THE TUNNEL WAS FREAKING ME OUT.

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