REAL ESTATE

AN IDEAL FIRST INVESTMENT! (This means whatever you do, don't live in this dump yourself.)

CLOSE TO ALL TRANSPORT. (It means it's on a flight path, or a railway station detours through your garden.)

ELEGANT VICTORIAN STYLE. (Means it's a ruin, ready for demolition.)

COSY. (Means it's a shoebox — the owner was Old Mother Hubbard.)

SPECTACULAR VIEW. (Yeah, if you like a brick wall.)

NEEDS A LITTLE TLC. (And a £100,000 renovation.)

HAS A SUNNY OUTLOOK. (Needs a whole new roof.)

RELIGION

Confession

SORRY, GOD, FOR KILLING 30 PEOPLE THIS WEEK. I WONT DO IT AGAIN.

Next week

SORRY, GOD, FOR KILLING ANOTHER 30 PEOPLE THIS WEEK. I WONT DO IT AGAIN.

If Mormons come to your door:

Answer it in the nude, preferably with a knife in your hand.

Draw an outline of a dead body on the pathway to your front door.

If Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door:

COME IN - WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO SACRIFICE A GOAT. Say that you're a Mormon and ask for their address.

DO I KNOW ABOUT THE 'WATCH TOWER'? YEAH, I SPENT SIX HOURS THERE LAST NIGHT. Ask them if they actually witnessed Jehovah, and when they say no, call them fakes and liars and throw them out.

RESTAURANTS

How to skip the queue

I PERSONALLY MADE THE RESERVATIONS MYSELF. (Don't use this in KFC or McDonald's.)

I WANT A TABLE NOW. IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE. (This will really have the waiters baffled. The rest of the day they will be saying — 'Who is that?')

Free meals

Stuff a pillow up your girlfriend's dress so she looks pregnant. Just as you have nearly finished your meal, tip some tomato sauce on her thighs. Get her to scream, 'Oh, my God, it's coming.' Grab her hand and rush from the restaurant.

If you spill soup on your lap

EXCUSE ME, WAITER - THERE'S A SOUP IN MY FLY.

If the service is slow

EXCUSE ME, WAITER - I DIDN'T REALISE THIS WAS A BUFFET.

After-dinner abuse

COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF - TELL HIM HE'S CHARMING, INTELLIGENT AND GOOD LOOKING, BUT THAT HE CANT COOK FOR SHIT.

Ordering

Impress your date - order your meals in French.

BONJOUR GARCON, DEUX LE BIG MACS, DEUX LE THICK SHAKES AND LE FRENCH FRIES, S'lL VOUS PLAIT

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