PARKING

I ONLY PARKED HERE FIVE MINUTES AGO. (This will not work if you're parked in the middle of a three-lane carriageway.)

THE PARKING METER IS BROKEN. (If they put a coin in and it works, say: 'Would you look at that. It's working again!')

WHERE ARE THE TRAFFIC WARDENS?

I THINK YOU'RE DOING A REALLY GOOD JOB. (Now I've sold my car.)

I'M PARKED IN THE DISABLED SECTION BECAUSE I'M FROM THE COUNTRY. (Try and look stupid.)

Another good one is when you walk up, act like a spastic. Most people won't even have to act.

SORRY FOR RUNNING YOU OVER. I DIDN'T SEE YOU STANDING IN FRONT OF MY CAR BOOKING ME. (Note: If you do the job properly you won't have to say this.)

WHERE CAN I SIGN UP TO BE A TRAFFIC WARDEN, BECAUSE I RECKON ALL YOUSE BLOKES ARE GROUSE.

If you park in a no-waiting zone, put a broken-down sign on your car. Most of the time this will baffle them. DO NOT leave the engine running.

PETS

COME HERE, COME ON BOY, COME HERE. I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU CHEWED UP MY BEST TROUSERS AND SHIT ALL OVER THE KITCHEN FLOOR AND HUMPED MY LEG FOR THREE HOURS WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP. (Use this with a soft tone of voice so as not to scare him.)

Putting your dog down

COME ON, ROVER, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR DISTEMPER SHOTS.

Things to avoid while going on the final ride:

* Don't slow down while driving past a pet cemetery.

* Hide the 'For Sale' sign on the kennel.

* Don't offer the dog a cigarette and a blindfold prior to the injection.

* Don't look at the cat and give it the thumbs up.

* Don't remove the dog's tags and say, 'Well, you won't be needing these any more.'

PICK-UP LINES

Pickup lines guaranteed to fail:

HI - MY NAME'S RASH.

HI - I'M A FRIEND OF RASH'S.

HI -AREN'T YOU RASH'S FRIEND?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? (Prison.)

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL YOUR LIFE?

WOULD YOU HAVE A LIGHT, PLEASE? (Don't use this if you're in an oxygen tent.)

HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE? (This line doesn't apply to Elvis, the Queen or Siamese twins.)

HOW ABOUT WE GO FOR A RIDE IN MY LAMBORGHINI? (Walk outside until you find a vacant car space and say, 'Oh, someone must have stolen it.' Also, you will get some sympathy from them.)

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYE? (Only works with Cyclops.)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? (Make sure they're not blind.)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN CONTEMPT AT FIRST SIGHT?

WOULD YOU CARE TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE? I HAVE OVALTINE AND DIGESTIVE BISCUITS.

WHAT'S A GLAMOROUS PERSON LIKE YOURSELF DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

POLICE

I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. (Make sure you've taken care of your balaclava.)

IT WASN'T ME. (He just looks like me and has the same name.)

HOW COULD I HAVE DONE IT? I'VE ONLY BEEN OUT OF PRISON FOR HALF AN HOUR.

I'VE GOT NO IDEA HOW THAT TELEVISION AND VIDEO RECORDER GOT IN THE BOOT OF MY CAR. IN FACT, IT'S NOT EVEN MY CAR. I FOUND IT IN THE GUTTER AND I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE STATION TO REPORT IS AS 'FOUND'.

WHAT DEAD BODY? (This would be a good time to get rid of the gun.)

I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT PERSON BEFORE IN MY LIFE. (Make sure it's not your Siamese twin.)

BLIMEY - AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU, OFFICERS. (Not really effective if they're bashing you with their truncheons.)

THANKS, OFFICER, I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (Make sure you're not bashing them with a truncheon.)

I WAS JUST STANDING THERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS WHEN THESE DOBERMANNS ATTACKED ME. (Helps if you're off the person's property and doesn't really work too well when you're in someone else's bedroom.)

BOY - HOW DID THAT £10 NOTE GET WRAPPED AROUND MY LICENCE? (I thought it was a £20 note.)

SORRY, I PROMISE I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, OFFICER. (Make sure you haven't shot his partner.)

In response to:

Would you mind coming to the station with us, please?

IT'S OKAY, OFFICER, I'LL CATCH A CAB. I'd like to see your licence.

SO WOULD I!

Do you have a criminal record?

YES, THE ALBUM COMES OUT LATER IN THE YEAR.

POLITICIANS

Let's face it - where do we start here!

BY THE YEAR 2000, THERE WILL BE NO HOMELESS PEOPLE IN BRITAIN.

WE WILL STOP UNEMPLOYMENT.

THERE WILL BE NO MORE HOSPITAL WAITING LISTS.

NO POLICE WILL TAKE BRIBES.

INCOME TAXES WILL GO DOWN.

I AM TELLING THE TRUTH.

WE PROMISE MORE HOSPITALS. 112

WE PROMISE MORE HELP FOR THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED.

PSYCHIATRISTS

Lying to a sociopath

OF COURSE YOU'LL FIND A GIRLFRIEND ONE DAY. MOST WOMEN FIND MANICALLY DEPRESSED, PARANOID PSYCHOPATHS WITH SUICIDAL AND HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE.

Lying to the psychiatrist

I AM NOT MAD. (No, of course not. That's why you're here.)

SO, YOU THINK YOU'RE A TEASPOON? (Well, sit there and don't stir.)

SO, YOU THINK YOU'RE A GUITAR? (Well, sit there and don't fret.)

SO, YOU THINK YOU'RE A CASHEW? (That doesn't mean you're nuts.)

THE PUB

I'VE BEEN WITH HER.

I CAN MAKE MINE 12 INCHES LONG BY BENDING IT IN HALF.

LEND ME SOME MONEY. I'LL PAY YOU BACK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Because I'm that blind drunk I won't wake up until late afternoon.)

I CAN DO THAT HEAPS BETTER THAN YOU. (Anything you can do I can do better.)

LISTEN TO ME. I'LL TELL YOU HOW GOOD I AM. (Pissed wanker.)

BUY US A DRINK, WILL YOU? I FORGOT MY WALLET. (Again.)

A FEW BEERS NEVER HURT ANYONE. (Just ask the Kidney and Liver Foundation.)

I TOLD THAT BITCH AT HOME, I SAID, LISTEN, BITCH. I'M GOING DOWN TO THE PUB TO GET PISSED WITH THE BOYS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. (In fact: 'Honey, sweety, sugar lips, please, oh pretty please, could you find it in your most precious heart to let me go down to the hotel for just one shandy, please?')

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