LANDLORD

Lies to tell the landlord:

I'VE GOT NO IDEA HOW THE HOUSE CAUGHT ON FIRE. (Never use this while holding a can of petrol.)

THOSE STAINS WERE ON THE CARPET WHEN I MOVED IN.

To hide the stain:

* Put a couch over it.

* Stand on the stains when they come to inspect it.

* Make the same stain all over the carpet so as to make it look like a pattern on the carpet.

NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY ANIMALS. (This won't work if you live on a farm.)

I'LL PAY THE RENT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Works well if you live in Antarctica where they have eight-month nights.)

COME IN, THE PIT BULL TERRIERS DON'T BITE.

THE PLACE WAS A DUMP WHEN I MOVED IN. (Don't use this if you have leased the local tip.)

LIE DETECTORS

TRUE. (False.)

FALSE. (True.)

I DON'T KNOW. (I know.)

I KNOW. (I don't know what you're talking about.)

LOVERS

Refusing sex for women

I'M SORRY, DARLING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME TONIGHT. I USUALLY FIND YOUR CLUMSY FOREPLAY AND THE SIGHT OF YOUR HUGE BULBOUS GUT AND BRIGHT RED FACE CONTORTED IN PLEASURE AS YOU BELCH AND FART YOUR WAY TOWARDS A CLIMAX IRRESISTIBLE. PERHAPS I NEED COUNSELLING.

Refusing sex for men

Huh????

Ending relationships

I THINK WE NEED SPACE. (How much? The other side of the planet should do it.)

CAN WE JUST BE FRIENDS? (Why? We weren't while we were dating.)

Here are some brownie lies to suck your partner in. Try to keep a straight face.

I LOVE YOU. (Yeah.)

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME. (You're the only one I can get.)

OF COURSE I RESPECT YOU. (Who are you?)

YOU'RE GREAT AT SEX. (Have you started? Oh - you've finished.)

YOU'RE GREAT AT SEX. (A nice thing to say especially if you're alone.)

I THINK YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL (Your face is a work of art — a Picasso.)

OH, I'M COMING. (You've never had one in your life, and probably never will.)

NO, I HAVEN'T COME YET. (Since I took your pants off, anyway.)

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT FAT. (But who hit you in the back of your legs with a shotgun?)

Note: While in bed, give your partner a headache tablet. When they say 'But I haven't got a headache', they'll have no excuse for refusing sex.

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