KIDDING YOURSELF

I SUPPOSE I COULD LOSE A FEW POUNDS. (A few? Who are you kidding — you're a planet. When you walk into the lounge the furniture goes into orbit around you. You even have your own moon. If you died tomorrow they would have to bury you in a mass grave.)

I THINK I'VE JUST PUT ON A FEW POUNDS. (A few? Who are you kidding — you're a walking chicken wing. You have to jump up and down on the bathroom scales to get a reading.)

I'M NOT GOING BALD. I JUST HAVE A HIGH FOREHEAD. (Who are you kidding? Your hairline is between your shoulder blades. There is as much chance of hair growing on your head as there is of harvesting a wheat crop on the moon.)

I THINK I MIGHT GET LAID TONIGHT. (Listen, you've got more chance of winning the lottery without buying a ticket.)

CAN I HAVE A PACKET OF EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS, PLEASE?

I'M REALLY POPULAR.

I'M GOING TO GET A JOB TOMORROW.

THESE THONGS ARE REALLY SEXY.

SHE REALLY LOVES ME, SHE'S JUST PLAYING HARD TO GET.

I'VE GOT AIDS, BUT I'LL GET OVER IT.

I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE ONE MORE.

KIDS

THAT IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU. (The child may be a little sceptical if you say this while wearing a party hat, singing 'Happy days are here again'.)

For nagging children who pester you with 'Can I please, mummy, can I, can I, can I?'

ASK YOUR FATHER. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. NO. With children, if you want them to do something just tell them not to do it. You can bet your life they will do it as soon as your back's turned. Some good ones to try are:

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GO AND STICK THIS CHEWING GUM IN MUMMY'S HAIR WHILE SHE'S SLEEPING.

DON'T SHAKE DADDY'S BEER IN THE FRIDGE JUST BEFORE HE OPENS IT.

To take revenge on a nagging child, try the following:

DON'T TOUCH DADDY'S GUN.

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