HOUSE GUESTS

The old unwanted house guests - When you want them to leave:

BUY THEM LUGGAGE OR A TRAVEL KIT.

WATCH MOVIES WITH AN APPROPRIATE THEME, E.G. HOME ALONE.

PLAY SONGS WITH AN APPROPRIATE THEME, E.G. 'LEAVING ON A JET PLANE'.

If hints don't work, try a more direct approach:

GEE - IF YOU DIDN'T EAT ALL OUR FOOD, DRINK ALL OUR ALCOHOL AND ACT LIKE A PIG, I'D ASK YOU TO STAY OVER A LITTLE LONGER.

ISN'T IT TIME YOU PISSED OFF? (Not a lie but really effective.)

SORRY I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE AS MY PSYCHIATRIST WILL BE HERE ANY MOMENT TO TAKE ME TO MY NEW CRIMINALLY INSANE WARD.

OH, ARE YOU STILL HERE? I THOUGHT YOU LEFT AGES AGO.

GEE - IS IT THAT TIME ALREADY? (Just start yawning at them.)

I WISH WE COULD INVITE YOU IN BUT WE WERE JUST LEAVING OURSELVES.

HOUSE WORK

I'VE DONE IT.

WELL, I'VE JUST DONE IT A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.

I DON'T USE THE TOILET.

I'VE BEEN WORKING MY FINGERS TO THE BONE. (Works well if you're a thalidomide victim or have arthritis.)

I ALWAYS PUT OUT THE GARBAGE. (Put it out all the way through the house.)

I DID THE WASHING-UP YESTERDAY. (Yeah, that's why it's piled to the roof.)

I HAVEN'T WASHED UP BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO SAVE WATER.(That must be the same reason for you not having a shower this year.)

I'M USING THE SINK FOR PENICILLIN RESEARCH. THAT'S NOT SHAGPILE CARPET, IT'S THE LINO.

THERE'S NO POINT CLEANING IT, WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE SOON - THE LEASE IS UP IN SIX MONTHS.

I'M GOING FOR THE LIVED-IN LOOK.

I'VE GOT A DISHWASHER. (But he's too busy vacuuming at the moment.)

I'LL DO IT TOMORROW.

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