DATING

HI, I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT ONE DAY ON MY LUXURY YACHT.

LET'S GO FOR A TRIP IN MY LEARJET. (Buy two tickets on a mystery flight and take them on it.)

SORRY, I CANT MAKE IT TONIGHT - MY HUSBAND/WIFE HAS COME HOME.

SORRY, I'M GAY.

I'M CELIBATE. (Guaranteed to piss them off.)

SORRY, I CANT MAKE IT TONIGHT - MUM'S COOKING A LAMB ROAST.

SORRY, I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT (And you - who is this?)

DEATH

Explaining to the kids

DADDY'S GONE TO SLEEP. (An intelligent child may reply: 'Oh, really? I thought he suffered a cardiac infarction with a total respiratory collapse.')

Try explaining indirectly:

LISTEN, KID, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S LIFE INSURANCE POLICY? WELL, WE COLLECT IN THREE WEEKS.

HEY, KID, YOU KNOW YOUR DAD'S FAVOURITE CHAIR? WELL, FEEL FREE TO USE IT.

HEY, JOHNNY, CAN YOU GO TO THE SHOP FOR SOME MILK? OH YEAH, ON YOUR WAY BACK COULD YOU BUY A WREATH?

HEY KIDS, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO KNOW YOUR 'INNER FATHER'? - GREAT, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO THE AUTOPSY.

DIETING

I HAVE LARGE BONES. (Yeah, sure, have you ever seen a fat skeleton?)

I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM. (Stop kidding yourself.)

I'M STARTING A DIET FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Most people say this so they can stuff themselves the night before.)

ONE MORE WONT HURT. (As long as you're not talking about a whole cow.)

ALL THOSE CHOCOLATE CAKES IN THE FRIDGE ARE IN CASE A FRIEND DROPS OVER. (No one's that popular.)

I HARDLY EAT A THING. (Things must be really big then.)

THESE AREN'T FATTENING. (When you eat six boxes of them they are, though.)

I HEARD SEX IS REALLY GOOD FOR LOSING WEIGHT. (You must be a virgin then.)

When you go off your diet, remember that meals aren't retrospective.

I THREW UP BECAUSE I WAS SICK.

GIVE ME THREE CHICKENS, CHIPS, TWO SLICES OF CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH ICE-CREAM, PLUS WHATEVER THAT PERSON OVER THERE IS EATING AND A COKE. OH, MAKE THAT A DIET COKE, AS I'M WATCHING MY WEIGHT.

DOCTOR

NO, I DON'T NEED STITCHES. (Not a wise move if your arm or leg is hanging off.)

I CANT HAVE A NEEDLE BECAUSE:

* I'M ALLERGIC TO STEEL.

* I'M ALLERGIC TO PAIN.

* I'M ALLERGIC TO BEING ALLERGIC.

I FEEL FINE, DOC. (Don't say this if you're partially decapitated.)

DOC - COULD I HAVE ANOTHER SHOT OF MORPHINE BECAUSE I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN? (Try not to giggle while saying this.)

I'M ALLERGIC TO RUBBER GLOVES. (So's my bum.)

I NEED SOMETHING TO HELP ME SLEEP. (Because the uppers I scored off you are too strong.)

DOC - I REALLY NEED AN ANAESTHETIC. (Save this for when you receive the bill.)

DRUGS

When buying drugs:

MATE, I'LL BRING YOU THE MONEY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Never believe this. If they do, go for it.)

Marijuana

Never try and lie while affected by dope. You will be so paranoid that even if you get away with the lie, you probably won't sleep for the next two days.

When mum finds the bong

OH, THAT'S MY SCIENCE EXPERIMENT.

Ecstasy

It will be quite obvious to you by now that you love everyone and there is no way in the world you could lie to them.

Speed

IT DIDN'T WORK.

Heroin

People on heroin are the best liars on earth. Do listen to everything they've got to say. Check for your wallet before leaving.

Cocaine

People on cocaine are compulsive liars and the most boring people to talk to. They will consistently talk about themselves and how good they are. This is commonly known as T disease.

LSD

EXCUSE ME, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT THREE-HEADED COW FLY PAST?

I'M NOT AN ADDICT.

MATE, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY OF THAT STUFF FOR MONTHS. (Yeah, that's why you've just fallen asleep . . . hello.)

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z