CHARITIES

SORRY- I HAVEN'T GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE.

SORRY - I'M ON THE DOLE. (Make sure you use this some time after midday.)

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOME MONEY, BUT I HAVEN'T EATEN IN THREE DAYS MYSELF. (Make sure you're not talking with a mouthful.)

CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME, AND YOU'RE NOW IN MY HOME SO COUGH UP.

OH - I GAVE AT THE OFFICE. If confronted in the office: OH - I GAVE IN THE STREET.

Pretend you're deaf and dumb and can't understand them which, let's face it, will probably be pretty easy.

COURT

I'M INNOCENT. (When in doubt just keep using this one.)

THAT'S HIM THERE. (Don't point to the judge.)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. (Don't say this when they're asking your name.)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. (Can you mime?)

HE MADE ME DO IT. (Don't say this if the victim is bound, gagged and blindfolded.)

I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT PERSON BEFORE IN MY LIFE. (Make sure they're not holding up a mirror.)

I'M GUILTY. (If guilty is the lie you use, you're an idiot.)

I'VE BEEN FRAMED. (Give your testimony hanging from the wall. If you notice the jury playing backgammon during it, you're in big trouble.)

I DON'T REMEMBER. (Where am I, anyway?)

To get off jury service

I KNOW THE ACCUSED. I AM THE ACCUSED. I DID IT.

Taking the oath

I SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP ME, GOD. (Don't tell them you're an atheist.)

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