BALDING PEOPLE

I'D TAKE THAT WIG BACK IF I WAS YOU - IT'S GOT A HOLE IN IT.

LOOK - HE'S BEEN BRUSHING HIS HAIR FOR THREE HOURS AND HE'S FORGOTTEN TO BRING IT.

I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE YOU WERE WEARING A WIG. (From a distance, say 200 metres.)

BANKS

Getting a loan

Make sure the dole form in your top pocket is well concealed. Try not to ask the bank manager for a £5 advance as you are leaving. If all else fails, offer some vigorous oral sex.

I HAVE TWO JOBS.

I DON'T REALLY NEED THE LOAN. IT'S JUST THAT ALL MY MONEY IS TIED UP IN OFFSHORE DRILLING AT THE MOMENT.

Note: Brag about your Porsche, your 20-bedroom house and your yacht.

Note: If they ask you what sort of security you have, don't say Social.

YOU'LL HAVE YOUR MONEY BACK IN NO TIME AT ALL (At all is about right.)

Kiss your bank manager when you meet him. Refer to him as 'Your Holiness' at every opportunity.

Giving a loan

If you're the manager:

I'M SORRY, I'M ON WORK EXPERIENCE.

OUR BANK JUST RAN OUT OF MONEY. (As soon as you walked in.)

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD GIVE US A LOAN.

SORRY, I'M THE CLEANER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS - A CHARITY?

YOU HAVE A VERY ATTRACTIVE WIFE! I'M SURE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.

THIS IS THE DEAL. WE'LL LEND YOU ENOUGH MONEY SO THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY PAY IT BACK. IF YOU DO PAY IT BACK, THE PROPERTY WILL HAVE COST YOU FOUR TIMES WHAT IT'S WORTH. CHANCES ARE, YOU'LL FALL BEHIND IN PAYMENTS. WE'LL GET THE HOUSE AND YOUR WIFE WILL RUN OFF WITH AN INSURANCE SALESMAN. MANICALLY DEPRESSED, YOU'LL HIT THE BOTTLE, BEFORE FINALLY ENDING IT ALL ... THAT'S OKAY, THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME.

BLIND DATE

If wishing to abandon ship:

EXCUSE ME - I'VE JUST GOT TO GO AND MAKE AN OVERSEAS PHONE CALL (Don't tell them you're actually going overseas to make it.)

I REALLY LIKE YOU, BUT THE ONLY REASON I CAME ON THIS DATE WAS BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY BLIND. (I'm starting to wish I was now.)

I JUST REMEMBERED - I THINK I LEFT THE IRON ON AT HOME.

(Two minutes prior to stating this, ring the fire brigade and tell them there's a fire about two blocks away from the restaurant you're dining at so when the fire brigade rushes past three minutes later, it's a lot more convincing.)

Tell them the relationship has no future because you have terminal cancer. If they ask, 'How terminal?', reply, 'Any minute now!'

Tell them to stand in a corner somewhere and ask them what they'll be wearing. Drive past, and if they're hideous just keep going.

BODY ODOUR

WHAT STINKS? IT MUST BE YOU, YOU FILTHY BASTARD. (Put it straight to them.)

WHAT STINKS? IT MUST BE THIS BOOK WE'RE READING.

I CANT SMELL A THING. (Don't say this while picking your nose.)

THE REASON I STINK IS BECAUSE I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO SOAP AND A FEAR OF WATER, AND I DON'T USE A DEODORANT BECAUSE OF THE OZONE LAYER.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I LIVE NEXT TO THE ABATTOIRS. Note: Try and pretend that the smell of a sweat-encrusted jockstrap is really quite pleasant.

BOOZE BUST

I CANT BLOW INTO THE BAG BECAUSE I'M AN ASTHMATIC.

I CANT GIVE YOU A BLOOD SAMPLE BECAUSE I'M A HAEMOPHILIAC.

I CANT WALK THE WHITE LINE BECAUSE I'M TOO PISSED. (Note: Use this as your last resort.)

I JUST PULLED OVER TO BUY SOME ALCOHOL. (Use this when you're straight and act drunk — when you keep giving a reading of 0.00 they will get really pissed off.)

DRUNK? RUBBISH. I OFTEN SWERVE TO AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC, GO ACROSS THE MEDIAN STRIP, CLEAN UP A COUPLE OF PEDESTRIANS, ROLL THE CAR AND HAVE IT BURST INTO FLAMES.

Get a passenger in the car to have a fake epileptic fit. Tell the officer you're in a hurry to get them to hospital. Even ask for a police escort because at least you can't get pulled over by any other police.

BREAKING-UP

CAN WE JUST BE FRIENDS?

THERE'S NO ONE ELSE, I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.

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